"Nothingness is rich, nothingness is plentitude, nothingness is the Buddha flatulating on the face of Jesus while divine grace looks on, taking notes," explained Marina Abramovic during a recent press conference regarding "500 Days Of Sum(ME)r," a durational performance due to kick-off at the Serpentine Gallery in June. Somewhat controversially, Abramovic has specified that she will "just show up" and "start being," and that in many ways "the body of Marina Abramovic is its own artwork, a sculpture called The Glory of Genius, 1946—ongoing.”

Visitors to the Serpentine will be forced to abide by certain protocols before entering the artist’s sanctum. Clothes will be removed, smartphones rendered temporarily ‘paralyzed’ by an electromagnetic forcefield. Guests will receive non-sexualized hand-baths from gallery interns wearing macrobiotic togas. Hair that is long or “excessively creative” will be shorn. “You wouldn’t just rush up to a President, or a Pope, or a Pharaoh and be all, Hey, wassup dawg, why don’t you shake my germ-ridden snothand,” clarified Serpentine curator Hans-Ulrich Obrist. “It’s about achieving a certain level of respect, and hygiene, before entering the space of Marina’s purity.” 

As for what Abramovic plans to do during her tenure, she is characteristically oblique. Beyond a scheduled series of cameos from the likes of James Franco and Alan Cumming—billed as “experiential celebrity incursions,” for which the Serpentine will charge an additional $299.99 per ticket—the artist is working with a blank slate. “What is life but a series of insignificant moments, waffling along on the heart’s waves, abiding by the fickle currents of desire?” she ventured, gazing milkily into the middle distance while dragging on a Blu e-cig (a habit she picked up from Leonardo DiCaprio during their 2013 collaborative performance using found predator-mammals, There’s Literally A Wolf On Wall Street). 

"I might floss my teeth. I might play Angry Birds. I might obsessively tweet 140 characters of blank space," Abramovic went on. "For several hours a day I might recline, standing, against a cool glass wall. There’s a distinct possibility that, covered in honey, I will harness my inner rage and simply tell everyone to get the fuck out of my sight. Or, for instance, if this partnership with Samsung comes through, a few days may be spent taking #SamsungSelfies for their website, using the brand new Samsung Galaxy S5, a truly astounding product that lets you capture lifelong memories in a split second, and also keep a closer eye on your personal fitness by monitoring your own heartbeat." 



"Where you merely see a cute, cuddly vessel of adorableness, I see a prop for the manifestation of volcanic inner states," explains Marina Abramovic, describing her proposed project, The Artist Throws Lambs Off Mountains Like The Poet Tosses Stanzas Off His Brainshelf. Your donations in excess of $121,009.87 will finance protests against the planned 14-day global tour, during which Abramovic plans to toss a lamb off a variety of high places, including ones in Croatia’s Dinaric Alps and the Altai range in Russia. “I hoist the lamb, I feel his or her little squirmy anxieties, and these I translate into human vocalizations, the lamb-hopes and lamb-fears sublimated into keening language the way only a true artist, as in myself, is capable of,” Abramovic says. “Some have asked: Why must I throw the lamb? Why can I not simply loft the lamb, and ululate, perhaps stand there for a while, feeling cool breezes on my face, listening to the wind ruffling through the lamb’s shivering pelt? And to them I say: A lamb hoisted and not tossed is a stillborn idea, and Marina Abramovic is about the gestation of genius, for thine is the power and glory forever, amen.”

#MARFA is also working diligently—via Facebook trolling and inappropriate Instagram comments—to shame the US-based journalists who plan to attend the all-expense-paid, around-the-world junket. “It’s pretty despicable, alright,” admitted a 29-year old print editor who wished to remain nameless. “But then again, I’m fucking broke, and if I go away for two weeks it means I don’t have to pay for my food, and I can also AirBNB my apartment. Also I have to say the overall cuteness of lambs is pretty overrated.”    

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Your donations in excess of $12,900 will be used toward erecting a plywood “restraint barricade” around the physical corpus of Shia LeBeouf,  the oft-despised young actor and 2013 graduate of the Marina Abramovic Institute. LeBeouf recently staged #IAMSORRY in Los Angeles, an interactive performance (choreographed by Abramovic) which featured him insufflating bath salts before eating a bowl of fortune cookie sayings and self-flagellating with a riding crop soaked in horse urine. “It’s about guilt, and the great orbital spaceship of reckoning,” Abramovic explained via email. The art-stunt owed a small debt to an earlier, 8-month-long James Franco performance in which the more handsome thespian publicly embraced and apologized to every college undergrad he has ever had a one-night stand with.

"These are my meat puppets," Abramovic said, speaking frankly about her mentorship of LeBeouf and Franco (and noting other actors more covertly under her tutelage, including Kevin Bacon and Paul Dano). "If I could slice their skinsuits off and wear them like pelts, I would. But there’s no need; I’m much happier up in the heavens, pulling the strings and making my little men skip and dance."

Asked if she might ever personally star in a future rendition of #IAMSORRY, Abramovic paused before spitting profusely on the floor. “Gods never apologize,” she sneered, before disappearing into the waiting maw of an S.U.V. limousine.

Your generous donations in excess of $16,901.50 will help to defund Marina Abramovic’s proposed 12-hour long interactive make-out exercise, Cold Sore Roulette (The Artist Kisses Strangers, Passionately, Without Any Sort of Barrier or Background Check). “I want to become an intimate guest invited into the warm living room of your mouth,” Abramovic writes in an open call for participants posted on Kickstarter and in Craigslist’s Casual Encounters section. “At first my tongue might make little wiggling motions, like a forlorn sea creature washed up on the shore of desperation, struggling heroically to breath,” she continues, in 72-point Helvetica font. “At other times my tongue will be more like a hot air balloon: Limp on the grassy plain, but then inflated, ready to soar to the highest reaches of your oral cavity. Other things my tongue might be like include: A still life of oranges on the kitchen counter, slightly rotten; the bucket of eels from the film adaptation of The Tin Drum; Kirsten Dunst.”  

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"If no one will work to stop these wars, then Marina Abramovic must stop these wars," said Marina Abramovic, referring to her proposed endurance performance The Artist Is Slapping Herself In The Face Until The Killing Ends. Slated for the Serpentine Gallery in March, the planned piece will feature Abramovic physically abusing herself every time a US or British-backed drone plane kills unarmed civilians. (Amnesty International reports that such drones kill approximately 2.5 civilians every 9 seconds, not including pets). “What will happen to my face?” Abramovic asks. “I don’t know. What happens to the face of a drone victim? I’ll tell you. It goes kablamoo. It goes kaput, sayonara, paPOOM. And I’m the only one on this brutal earth who can properly pay witness to the tragedy.”

Serpentine curator Hans-Ulrich Obrist, in the course of a 7-hour public speech regarding the project, affirmed Abramovic’s place in a pantheon of anti-war activists. He compared her favorably to Devina Malatose, the Canadian artist who worked to end the Vietnam War by eating Atomic Fireball candies for nineteen straight weeks.

"Let the government ignore me," Abramovic threatened, "and I will not cow. I will not bend, or wither, or succumb. I will keep slapping until the wars are over, even the wars we don’t know about yet." When reached for comment, Obama’s press secret  Jay Carney was nonplussed. "I applaud Ms. Abramovic’s determination," he said, "but it has always been this administration’s position that we refuse to negotiate with performance artists." 

#MARFAns, these are dire times: This week sees the New York debut of Marina Abramovic’s 13-hour long, operatic song-of-self at the Park Avenue Armory, entitled The Everlasting Life of Marina Abramovic, The Power And The Glory, Forever And Ever, Amen (formerly The Life and Death of Marina Abramovic).  

Our sources have passed along internal documents and scripts that hint at significant changes to the material, which was previously performed in Europe.

+The first act now includes a multi-hour segment in which 650 maimed and blind barnyard animals are escorted onto the stage, whereupon they are individually stroked, embraced, and “healed” by a young Abramovic (played by Blake Lively).

+A song-and-dance cameo from the Viennese Albino Eunuch’s Choir (which the Guardian previously dubbed “appallingly stab-your-eyes-out-y even by Abramovician standards”) has been scrapped, and the allotted 68 minute segment has been given over to a dramatic monologue from Michael Stipe.

+Due to last-minute union issues, Abramovic herself will simultaneously portray the roles of: Marina Abramovic; Marina Abramovic’s mother; Ulay (both young and old versions); Scrappy, the one-legged Yugoslav ship captain; the Spirit of Art; Captain Hennessey’s Puppet Chorus; Klaus Biesenbach; Klaus Biesenbach’s Twitter; James Franco; Nurse Kumquat and the staff of the Pipsicle Hospital For Lost Causes; the Omniscient Voice-over Of Historical Import; Prawn, The Magical Cat Who Never Forgets; and Jerry Saltz.

Your donations in excess of $190,100 will serve to enact Wrapped Up In Herself, a project for which Christo will wrap the Park Avenue Armory in thick vinyl paper, rendering it inaccessible to the public from December 12 through 21.

 

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Your deep-pocketed donations in excess of $12,910.99 will go toward short-circuiting Marina Abramovic’s Global Family Unit, an ongoing performance project in which the artist personally adopts child soldiers from West Africa and parts of Asia and raises them in a confined, zoo-like enclosure situated within the proposed, Kickstarter-funded Marina Abramovic Institute. Amnesty International has publicized concerns that up to 84% of the “child soldiers” repurposed by Abramovic are not actually child soldiers at all, but are indeed simply “young people found ‘cavorting in the streets’ while wearing clothes of a ‘vaguely military color.’” These helpless pre-teens are scouted and acquired by a roving platoon of Prius vans that the artist has commissioned for this purpose, easily identified by the life-size Abramovician bust installed in place of a hood ornament. Concerned parents in affected countries have launched a website—MarinaPleaseGiveOurKidsBackNow.com—and have appealed to President Obama to liberate the roughly 189 children already conscripted into the Marina Freedom Army. “I am the ur-Mother,” Abramovic explained in a public statement. “To speak of adoption is facile. I consider these children as returnees to my multivalent, universal womb, whose glorious space is infinite.”

"I’m a spelunker in the eternal cave of mystery, swimming dolphin-like toward the throbbing light of knowledge," Marina Abramovic explained, leading a team of celebrities at the midtown Manhattan Apple store during Abramovic 4G: The App Is Present. Your generous donations to #MARFA will work against a 2014 reprisal of this interactive performance, in which participants circumnavigated the commercial space while an Abramovician voice-over explained such concepts as capitalism, technology, love, friendship, animals, computers, rainbows, and music. “It’s akin to putting on my face, or wearing my brain for a little while,” the artist explained. “Imagine what Jesus would have accomplished if he’d been able to partner with Apple to think different. My project is like that, but better.” 

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Your donations to MARFA in excess of $2,080 will work to defund a proposed series of educational videos that Marina Abramovic is creating in conjunction with Louisiana Museum in Denmark and the Buddhist Council on Extreme Enlightenment LLC. The first installment, “I Tell You How To Drink A Glass Of Water Using The Marina Abramovic Method,” features the artist taking glacial, near-orgasmic delight in imbibing a simple glass sourced from a Danish tap. “It’s true that the lips touching the glass, when you perform this action, will not be Abramovician lips,” she murmurs, “but this will only slightly degrade the quality of your water-drinking experience.” Current plans call for a series of over three dozen videos, to be seeded on YouTube and in New York City taxi cabs. Leaked documents hint at certain proposed clips: “I Tell You How To Use Google,” “I Tell You How To Shave Your Back,” “I Tell You How To Properly Mix The Fruit Jelly Stuff That Comes With Your Fage Yogurt,” “I Tell You How To Really Enjoy Sexual Intercourse For The First Time In Your Life, You Heathen,” “I Tell You How To Refill Your MTA Card Without Incurring A $1 Surcharge,” “I Tell You How To Appreciate The Poetry of A Sunset,” “I Tell You How To Find Great Deals On Aerial Yoga Using HowAboutWe.com,” “I Tell You How To File Your IRS 1099 Forms While Practicing Intense Mindfulness,” “I Tell You How To Hold A Baby Without Dropping It,” “I Tell You How To Change The Ringtone on Your iPhone To The Theme From LAW & ORDER: SVU,” “I Tell You How To Make A Lot of People Hilariously Angry At You With One Simple Blog,” “I Tell You How To Pet An Otherwise Indifferent Cat,” “I Tell You How To Enjoy The Sublimeness of a Dunkaccino®,” and “I Tell You How To Deal With The Creeping Realization That No Matter How Hard You Try And How Much You Practice You Will Never, Ever, Not Even Close, Be Me.”