Today, via Google’s new “Kickstarter-killer app” HelpMeSomebody!, Marina Abramovic delivered a video plea to Swedish director Sven von Schtier, credited with the invention of “normcore porn.” (Aficionados cite 1999’s …And Jesus Fisted Me as his apex: A nearly 9-hour static shot of an aggressively average couple trying, and failing, to bring each other to climax.) “Sven!” exclaimed an uncharacteristically exuberant Abramovic. “I have a proposition for you, brutal Scandinavian hate-beast! Allow me to unhinge the lid of my cranium so that your engorged stamen might pollinate therein, and lo!, bring new flowerings of genius budding, budding, budding!” Abramovic went on to cite her personal investment in classic von Schtier films, like 2001’s The Peasant Bitch Lola, a sordid tale of a young maid who falls prey to the whims of a demented Brazilian architect. (Film lore holds that the director achieved a realistic sense of doom and terror by literally kidnapping an Ecuadorean peasant and forcing her into the servitude of an actually demented Brazilian architect for the duration of production.) In her HelpMeSomebody! proposal, Abramovic pays special attention to one of the work’s most controversial scenes. “When Lola brings Sir his meatloaf, and Sir is like, This meatloaf is shit, you peasant bitch!, climb up the mountain using only your knees, and get the meatloaf recipe from the Blind Guru, and then return, rolling down the mountain, while slapping yourself in the face, before landing in the kitchen, to remake the meatloaf, Lola, and to bring it to me!—I could relate very much to this scene,” the artist said. “A clip of it actually plays a key role in promotional films for the Marina Abramovic Llama Farm And Enlightenment Center of Hudson, New York, and the film is required viewing for all of our internship candidates at the Manhattan-based Marina Oversight Research Obsession ‘Nitiative.”
A still from von Schtier’s The Peasant Bitch Lola, (2001), which David Denby dubbed “a flatulent trumpet-blast from hell.”
Your generous donations in excess of $6666.66 will send a delegate of NYU film students to Krrrankvin, Sweden, where they will visit the notoriously travel-shy von Schtier in his booby-trapped mountain lair, using elaborate PowerPoint presentations to explain the myriad reasons why he should forego this proposed collaboration.